The first meltdown

As I was saying, all things considered, I think I've been taking this unemployment thing in relative stride. I'm actually known to be a worrier and prone to anxiety. I also take things incredibly personally and although Daniel, who has been working in aerospace for 15 years, explained to me that as a contractor you can't take getting laid off personally (and he's right), the moment I heard I was getting laid off, it was hard for me to not take it personally. Then when I heard the reason I (along with another Admin gal) had been laid off, I was just plain pissed.

Because I've been cutting back, I really haven't been hanging out with anyone except Daniel. As luck would have it, my car needs a new clutch which will cost anywhere from $800 to $1600. That is certainly money I don't need to be spending right now. An ex-coworker contacted me Friday and asked if I wanted to get together this weekend. I knew Cody was aware of my unemployment status. In the past when dining out with Cody, he and I have either split the bill or alternated picking up the bill. The last time we went out we split the bill. But I paid our bar tab before we got to the table (4 drinks = $60 with tip) and then for the movie we went to after dinner. I probably shouldn't have assumed he'd pay for lunch, but I guess I really did. I was prepared to pay my half however, in the event he didn't offer to pick up the tab.

At lunch we gossiped about what's going on at Aerospace Company X and it felt good to hear that people in Cody's department were upset to learn that I and the other Admin gal were let go and that because we are no longer there, it's making parts of their job difficult to accomplish. Hearing that enforced what I knew to be true; that The Talking Head was an idiot and had made a very uninformed decision when eliminating two Admin positions and leaving one guy to do all the work.

At the end of the meal the waitress dropped off the bill - it was $30. Cody grabbed the check presenter (thank God!) and then proceeded to put cash inside and hand it over to me. (Damn.) I opened the check presenter to a $10 bill inside. Are you kidding? I blurted out before I could stop myself. No, that's all the cash I have. You're going to have to cover the rest, he said. Are you kidding? I repeated. Because surely he was just playing a joke. He couldn't expect me to slap down $30 for lunch. I'm unemployed. He shook his head in response to my second 'are you kidding?'. I'm f-ing unemployed, I said. I'll get you next time, he said with a shrug. Like it was no big deal. Like I hadn't bought the last time we'd been out. Like I had the money to pay for both of us! Gimme a break, he added. My girlfriend was just out for two weeks and I spent a lot of money while she was here. I was livid. How is that my problem? I asked.

With more anger than I've had in a long time, I hastily pulled the last $40 cash I had from my purse and put it in the check presenter removing the ten-dollar bill he'd put in. He could see rage in my eyes and mumbled something about needing to go to an ATM. There's one inside the restaurant, I practically spat. Then he offered to put the whole thing on his card and I could give him cash, but at this point I was so f-ing pissed by his insensitivity to my financial situation and his lack of planning and his utter and blatant abuse of our friendship that I didn't want his f-ing money and I didn't want him f-ing paying for anything. I could not believe he would meet me for lunch expecting me to cover his half. Not now. Not while I'm unemployed.

In the end, we walked home in complete silence. We happened by a Bank of America and he got cash and gave me $20. He tried giving me $40, but I was so angry and proud, I refused. Outside my apartment the meltdown began. Before I knew it I was standing on the sidewalk crying explaining to him as nicely as possible how I don't enjoy disputing $8 with a friend. Explaining to him as nicely as possible how I don't have money to buy cotton balls right now let alone pay $18 for lunch, let alone pick up his half of the bill. He understood to a degree. I don't think he understood that what he did was completely insensitive and idiotic. He did say it was completely unfair that I, of all people at Aerospace Company X, lost my job. And he was right about that.

When I got inside I continued crying over my financial woes and over the circumstances in which I lost my job. For the first time since I was laid off, I was visibly upset and I couldn't shake my mood. I texted my friend Clare and told her what happened. Isn't he the guy that used to have a crush on you? she asked. What a way to impress someone that at one time you were clamoring to date.

In the middle of my meltdown I called my mom, which is unusual for me because she and I are not particularly close. Normally my dad would be the first person I'd dial during a meltdown. That's a man for you, she said, not unsympathetically, when I described to her my lunch nightmare and my breakdown over the $8.

Later that night my dad called and I replayed the meltdown for him, too. Honey, your friend is an ass, he said. Everyone knows you don't meet someone at a restaurant without money to cover your half of the bill. He could have put it on his bank card. He blatantly used you.

Gone are the days when I could walk into a grocery store and buy a $4 pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream just because I wanted it. Unless I really need something at the grocery store (and one does someone really need something in these hostile economic times), I don't buy it unless it's under $2 or on sale. Gone are the days when I could go out to any restaurant and not even look at the prices or not even blink an eye to put my check card down and pick up the tab without looking at the bill, without needing to know how much money was in my checking account.

Maybe it's because Cody is young, he's 25, or maybe my dad's right and he is just an ass. (I don't personally believe it's my duty to point out to anyone that social norms dictate that you don't expect a friend who is unemployed to pick up your half of the bill while out for lunch.) Or maybe he just thinks like I did when I was 25. Just put it on a credit card. It's no big deal.